Why reading too much parenting advice can be bad for you

I read a couple of parenting articles online 3 weeks after my daughter was born.

I was trying to find something to help ease her colic and reduce the amount of crying that was going on in our house.

As the months went by and some issues resolved themselves, while new ones kept popping up, I kept reading books and articles recommended by friends and family who swore these were awesome materials with real, useable advice.

As I read on, everything made sense.

Each book was logical and nicely written and very convincing.

And each one would contradict the one before and still be logical and nicely written and very convincing.

There was not much agreement among them.

Except for one thing: whatever you are doing, you are sending a message to your child with your behaviour and your words and potentially damaging your child unless you do things the "right" way.

And the "right" way changed with each article and book I read.

I'll give you some examples.

1. Time-outs

A lot of the advice out there says time-outs are a good and gentle approach when used correctly.

And then there is the other camp that says a time-out is symbolic abandonment, rejecting your child because of the "bad behaviour" and withdrawing your love.

Kids learn nothing from it. 

They think about how unfair it is and not about how to make things right. 

2. Giving choices

It's good to give a child choices. Let her choose between two things (not more) so she feels that she has some control, some authority in this world in which she is rather small. The blue shoes or the sandals, an apple or a mango, cherry or vanilla yoghurt, sitting or standing in the stroller, going to the park or the zoo etc.

Or not.

Letting a child choose between things all the time tires her and also makes her feel entitled to choices all the time, even in situations when there are no other options. According to some experts, it's better for mom or dad to make most choices so the child knows they are in charge, she can depend on them and that, ultimately, what they say goes, there's no negotiating for every trip and every food and every pair of shoes.

3. Say "yes" to your child as much as you can

This way, she will learn to say a lot of "yes" to you in return and she won't have a meltdown when you say "no" because you will only say it when it really matters.

In our case, this did not work out so well.

My saying a lot of yes, resulted in my daughter demanding more and more.

More toys to take on a ride, more stuff to go to bed with, more stories etc. and all in all more mess. And consequently, more need for me to set more limits (two toys for the ride, 3 bed time stories and so on and so forth).

Also, when I had to say "no", my daughter did not seem to be able to handle it without rolling on the floor.

So much for that theory.

4. Counting to 3

A great option. It gives the child a warning and some time to make the right decision on his own.

Not according to other experts.

Who say counting to 3 is harsh and threatening. Like a terrible consequence will follow.

5. Consequences

Basically, they suck. They are a fancy word for punishment.

"Stop it or there will be a consequence!".

Unless you are reading a different book that says consequences are the best way to teach a child that his decisions have certain results, good or bad.

And then of course, there are whole books just about efficient and inefficient consequences. 

6. Defiance and tantrums

These are the child's way of asking for help.

His emotions are out of whack and he doesn't understand what's happening so he lashes out.

Connect with the child. Talk to him about his feelings. Hug him. Tell him what he is feeling now is anger or disappointment or whatever and it is ok (but at the same time explain that hitting when angry is not ok).

Let him know this is all normal and he is not a bad person because he is angry or upset.

Or you could go with another approach that says talking to the child all the time and analyzing his feelings is counterproductive. Tell him to "Knock it off! We don't hit people!" and then give him a time-out to cool down and get himself together again. Long speeches and explanations are tiring and difficult to follow for a little one. Don't be harsh, don't yell but be firm and in charge. The child needs it. With too much feeling analyzing, he will just miss the whole point that hitting is bad.

7. Being there for your child

Be there. Help when you can. All the way, throughout all the years.
This way, your child will have a solid foundation to grow on and rely on.
He knows he can turn to you and you will be there.
He will not have memories of a criticizing mother or an absent father, of a parent who "just didn't get it" and didn't take pains with helping him out about the things that were important to him. Which is great.
Or not.
Because apparently, overparenting is a thing and it's not pretty.
When kids don't experience any discomfort because mommy and daddy always help him out, he will feel lost as an adult. He will feel empty and lacking basic problem-solving skills, resilience or perseverance. 

These are just a few examples. The list is endless.

You will find any parenting advice you can think of and the opposite of that and then the opposite of that.

The result of which is the post-modern super-confused mother who sees her kid refuse to get in the carseat (again) and wonders why any of this crap isn't working.

Is it me?

Is it the "parenting method"?

Is it the kid and her personality?

It is the age/a phase?

All of them?

A combination of these?

I remember once telling another mom whose daughter is close in age to mine, that my kid had started with the tantrums right before turning 2. 

I told her I was at a loss because the meltdowns were so intense with my daughter banging her head against things in her anger.

The other mommy was shocked. Her daughter did no such things.

"You can't let her do that.", she said. "Tell her it's not nice. It's not allowed". 

It was not good advice, of course. 

But many of these books written by so-called experts contain advice that is either generally bad or bad for your situation. 

I don't read stuff like this anymore.

I scoff when people on facebook without kids argue about how bad parenting makes kids defiant when all they need is a bit more love, a bit more understanding. How parents just need to talk about feelings or man-up and be more severe.

When it comes to parenting, everyone seems to be an expert.

Everybody has theories and methods and ideas. 

And the easiest thing to do in this world is to label someone as a "bad parent" because they give time-outs.

Or because they don't give time-outs, depending which camp you are in. 

Sometimes nothing works. And that's what you can't read anywhere.

You can turn yourself into a puppy joggling psychologist in a princess costume and your kid still won't listen or throw a fit.  

On bad days I tell myself this. 

Today, it's just not working. 

And that's fine. 

I tell myself this before the urge to feel guilty sets in.

Or the urge to read another parenting book.