Today's been one of those off days.
When, despite my best efforts and intentions, my moods don't match my daughter's moods and we end up clashing multiple times throughout the day.
So by the time she is asleep I feel a bit sad.
And a bit nostalgic.
And a bit confused.
I keep thinking about what went wrong, what I could have and should have done differently.
And then I end of thinking deep thoughts about raising children.
And the passing of time.
And mortality.
Stuff like that.
Before I had kids, my head was filled with all these ideas about what me and my child/children would do together one day.
I am not sure where I got them... movies, books, my own childhood, friends...
Suffice to say, my vision of what it meant to be with my child was born a long time ago.
And it is on days like today that my vision gets chipped at and needs readjustment or postponing or even a rewrite.
I will give you some examples.
Not all of them are from today but quite a few are.
I like to dance. I always have.
I am pretty good at it too.
So sometimes, when the moment is "just right", I start dancing in the house and I don't even notice.
A children's song might be playing or something on the radio or just something in my head.
Inevitably, my daughter will say: "Mommy, please don't dance".
Very matter of factly. Very politely.
I don't know why it annoys her.
But it does.
Every time.
If I try to get her to do a silly dance with me right there in the kitchen, she gets very upset.
I always imagined me and my kids dancing together around the house.
Inventing crazy moves.
Stuff like that.
Maybe one day.
It's the same with singing.
Loud Baby simply can't stand it.
Not even if I hum.
"Mommy, don't sing, please".
I can't explain it, but it breaks my heart.
I always thought my child would love to listen to my songs and be soothed by them.
I am not Celine Dion but there are songs that I can sing well.
And my daughter is not 14, she is 2.
Am I embarrassing her already?
The problem is that even if I explain to her that Mommy likes to sing/dance and you can't demand that she stops, the moment is gone.
I don't feel like dancing or singing anymore anyway.
Or she doesn't like hugs much and I am crazy about them.
Or I want to show her something fun and she refuses to even come take a look.
Or I am all excited about a new place I've found (a park, an outdoor swimming pool, a zoo) and she hates it and cries throughout our whole outing.
Or I want to tell her all the ways in which I love her (as much as the moon, as much as a huge cherry) and it just makes her cranky and she screams "Noo".
How can we be so out of synch, I wonder.
So I take a deep breath, accept that she is just not in the mood for all of my silliness and lovey-loveyness and try to get down to business.
I start cooking, I shoot up the laptop to do some budgeting, I clean up or I make a call that's been long due.
After 4 minutes, my daughter makes her appearance along with her 394 demands.
"Mommy, come chase me".
"Mommy, where is my ball?"
"Mommy, come build tower".
"Mommy, I want apple/yoghurt/crackers".
"Mommy, where is XYZ wooden figurine? Help me find."
"Mommy, put on music, please, the one with the frogs".
"Mommy, tell story with red bicycle" (I tell that one at least 10 times every day).
"Mommy, read this and this and that book and then that one again".
"Mommy" x 148.
Of course, I feel like doing exactly zero of all of these.
I give her the snack, put on the music, try to remember where the freakin' wooden figurine might be (again).
I tell her I will finish the food/call/work on the computer and then we will
play/read/build.
"No. Now!!"
A mixture of anger, annoyance and sadness take shape.
Maybe I'm raising a brat.
Maybe she's just tired.
Maybe she's being two.
Maybe she's hungry already.
Maybe it's a cranky day.
Maybe my mother-in-law was right and I messed up badly along the way.
Should I reason with her?
Should I be stern?
Should I acknowledge her frustration and work through it?
(Is something burning? Did I set the kitchen timer?
Are all moms a mess like me in moments like these?).
My daughter wants me badly.
She needs me because she is little and little ones need their parents.
But she needs me on her own terms.
Which are not my terms, most of the time.
So we clash.
I reason, she understands and waits.
And then she doesn't.
I give warnings.
I tell her we will go to the playground after lunch.
"No playground".
"No underwear"
"No, I don't want T-shirt with mermaid"
"No carseat".
"No slide" (after dragging me to go with her on the slide).
"No, it is not too high" (when I tell her not to climb something that is too high off the ground).
"No, mommy not tired" (after I tell her I feel tired).
By the time my husband is home, I am ready with a begging speech to ask him to do the bedtime routine although it is my turn tonight.
And when it's finally quiet and I feel a bit empty, a bit disoriented but also a bit happy that everyone's made it through the day, I also wonder where the line is between being an involved parent and a slave to a child-king.
Where am I situated?
What should I change?
And while I figure it out, while everyone is already asleep, I might just put on my headphones and listen to some music.
And I might even dance just a bit.
