If you can't say something nice...

As a kid, I loved watching Bambi. 

I probably still know all the lines by heart.

There's a scene in the movie in which Thumper makes an unflattering comment on Bambi's walking abilities. 

His mother immediately steps in: "Thumper, what did your father tell you?".

The little bunny is quick to answer: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". 

It seems to me we tend to forget this rule in our day to day life.

We chat and we talk and we say whatever craziness comes to our mind just to fill the silence.

I am one of those people that enjoys chatting about the little things and little nothings. 

In stores, when standing in line, when getting groceries, when standing around at the playground.

Being 7 months pregnant seems to make it easier for others to start talking to me as well. 

And it doesn't bother me. 

Strangers can be amazingly kind and sympathetic and encouraging. 

I don't mind the usual questions.

Do you know what you are having?

Have you picked out  name yet?

Is this your first one?

How far along are you?

Usually people will also add something along the lines of "That's exciting" or "Congratulations" or "Good luck".

But every now and then, there's someone who feels compelled to make a comment on my size.

When they hear I am 7 months along, they immediately say: "Wow, well you look ready to have the baby now/to pop/to go" and they have a facial expression that ranges anywhere between surprise and disgust. 

Why someone would make a comment like that puzzles me.

You don't comment on people's sizes generally speaking so why you would do it with a pregnant woman is beyond me.

'Cas hormones and a more emotional state and stuff, you know?

It's not a big deal, I know, not really but it just made me think since it is something that does happen regularly. 

And I was trying to figure out an appropriate response because the first answer that pops into my head is always something completely stupid that ranges between blank stare, annoyed stare, ignore and move on and lecture mode.

It's just one of those mildly irritating things, irritation at people being inconsiderate.

In conclusion, if you can't say something nice to the pregnant lady you just met in the baby section at Walmart, don't say anything at all.

AFH - Asking for Help

My 3.5 year old has recently developed separation anxiety, especially at bed time.

While at first this could easily be solved by leaving her bedroom door open and reassuring her we were literally 5 steps away in the living room, the past few days have been more challenging. 

I am sitting right outside her door as I am writing this, researching suggestions and possible solutions. 

Hoping it's just a phase that will pass but also wondering whether some active steps need to be taken. 

But this post is not about separation anxiety.

It's about AFH- Asking for Help.

It seems that no matter what parenting article or book I happen to be reading, regardless on what subject, there's always that part where the mother is advised to "ask for help from family and friends when things get hard/you are sleep deprived/you need a break/you need a meal/you need some shopping done" etc. 

No matter the problem, one of the suggested (mostly temporary) solutions is to outsource the kid or have someone do some chores for you. 

As we are now expecting baby no. 2 in a couple of months, I was trying to read up on ideas about how one can manage with a newborn and a toddler.

And there are great tips out there and great moms who not only manage two but more children. 

Needless to say, though, the first suggestion in articles and books is pretty much always to get help and not to fret over laundry or a messy house or non-home-cooked meals. 

"Don't be ashamed, ask grandma to pitch in, drop your child off with your friends for an hour or two while you catch up on some sleep". 

Stuff like that. 

To all of that, I can only say "Duh". I mean I know there might be some of us who have great help at hand and are still shy or afraid to ask for it but in my experience, that's not usually the problem. 

Most of the time good help is just hard to find. 

Because there are no grandparents or they are far away or they are sick. 

Because you have no friends or your friends are busy, overwhelmed or simply don't know how to deal with your child. 

Because help can cost a lot of money; money that you don't have. 

And sometimes not even money guarantees you'll find a great nanny or an awesome daycare/preschool.

I remember when my daughter was 3 or 4 months old and a very well-meaning friend offered to watch her for an hour while my husband and I went out to grab dinner. 

I warned her I had a fussy, sometimes colicky baby but she was confident it would be ok. 

It wasn't.

She called us right as we were coming back to her place, completely befuddled over my daughter's constant crying. 

"She is probably hungry", she said.

I told her no, she was not. "That's just how she is". 

And at first, other mothers offered to hold her for a few minutes while I ate a sandwich at a get-together or while trying to get in the car but soon nobody did anymore.

Everyone shies away from a difficult baby/toddler/kid. 

They think you'll know best, as a mom.

And sometimes you do.

And sometimes you are just as clueless as the next stranger in the street.

Even my parents whom we visited for a couple of months when my daughter was one, were completely terrified of being alone with her for more than two-three hours.

Everyone expects you to handle it. 

Because you are mom.

So, after a while, you - Mom- expect it too. 

You figure it out somehow.

You skip the vacuuming and order Chinese.

You go to bed at 8, right after your toddler is asleep.

You worship the slow cooker. 

You are thankful for the guy in the store who carried the bottled water pack to your car.

You sit at your toddler's bedroom door until she falls asleep. 

You are grateful you have a husband who helps whenever he can.

And you hope you will work it out even if you have two little ones. 

Really, sometimes, no help is better than stressful help, nosy help, unsolicited-advice-help, or fake-help (when people offer but they do it out of politeness and now it's your job to figure it out whether they meant it or not and then deal with the disappointment of pretty words). 

(Yes, I know there are scenarios when there is no choice and you have to get help even from people who are more difficult or nosy or mean. And that's ok.)

With that being said, my favorite type of help is the what-do-you-need kind of help or some variation of it. 

You know, something that goes towards the specific rather than the vague "Well, let me know if you need anything once the baby comes". 

I can give you examples of specifics but I think we all know what I mean. 

It's very fulfilling when it happens and your feel pumped with gratitude. 

So asking for help and offering help can be tricky. 

But somehow this too is part of raising kids, a skill to discover and master with a lot of do's and don'ts.  

Just another thing to learn along the way.