It took a while.
But I got there.
The point when you are reading your fourth book on baby sleep, desperate for a miracle solution and you realize... this can't be right!!
Loud Baby must have been around 4 months old when I was sitting in the library parking lot trying to find something (anything!) in the pages of the book I was holding that would help me understand how babies sleep.
Or don't sleep, to be more precise.
Reading was not an easy thing to do.
My mind was so tired I would rather have used the book as a pillow.
A few months and three baby books later, this Mommy had given up.
The only effect all the reading had in our household was me constantly explaining to my husband how our baby should be sleeping because "it says so, in the book!".
In other words, it added to my frustration.
Why?
Because these books could not contradict themselves more.
Let's take the Big Guys, shall we?
On the one hand, there's Dr. Weissbluth.
He is an advocate for crying-it-out.
Sure, he will describe other options but it is pretty clear he thinks letting the baby cry-it-out ("it" what?!) is a great choice which will help the kid learn the much coveted skill of self-soothing and falling asleep on their own.
According to him, babies should be able to sleep through the night starting around 6 months all the way up to one year.
On the other hand, if you give in to your child's cries, you will deprive him of a learning opportunity.
The baby will learn that he needs to cry to get your attention.
He won't learn to self-soothe and as a young adult he will be an addict looking for others to fulfil his needs.
Or something like that.
So basically if you don't follow his method, you screw up your kid.
Then there's Dr. Sears and his family gang.
The father of attachment parenting.
According to him, babies should not be expected to sleep through the night until... later.
Like in a few years.
And of course, you should never ever ever let a child cry it out.
Do whatever it takes to soothe him even if that means living your life on a yoga ball for two years.
If you let the baby cry, he warns, he will learn not to trust you.
You will have sabotaged your bond with the kid and you will be a traitor in his eyes.
So basically if you don't follow his method, you screw up your kid.
Then there's Mr. Intermediate, or Dr. Ferber.
Famous for ferberizing.
In summary, he says you let the baby cry only for a bit and then go into her room for a minute or so. Then let her cry some more and go in again after 10 minutes. Then wait 15 minutes until going in and so on.
Piece of cake.
Keeping track of 5 minute intervals at 3 a.m. is completely feasible.
According to him, a child can sleep through the night starting at 4 months.
(I showed my kid this passage when she was 9 months old and not exactly sleeping through the night and she said it all sounded logical. Then she woke up 4 times that night).
There are various expert opinion from other well-meaning individuals like Dr. Cohen, Tracy Hogg in "The Baby Whisperer", Dr. Harvey Karp, Elizabeth Pantley and last but not least, a myriad of parents who swear by one of these people.
Either way, the big three remain: the parent ignores the cries, the parent soothes the baby with whatever works (car rides, nursing, swings, singing, holding, whatever), the parent goes in and out of baby's room for a while and cannot understand how baby ended up in bed with her in the morning.
These books can help.
These books can induce panic.
These books might tell you babies need help to sleep and unless you do something, you will never sleep again.
I tried a chaotic combination of everything.
I stuck to one method long enough until I finally had to admit it wasn't working.
Then tried another.
But be careful. You can't talk about the methods you are using with everyone.
Choose your friends carefully.
If you tell the wrong person you were beyond despair and let your baby cry it out a few times, they might ask for your head on a plate for being the.worst.mom.ever.
Now that my baby is finally sleeping at night after no less than 21 months I can write my own super smart book about how I did it.
On second thought, here is the gist of it:
There are no recipes.
Love your baby. Love yourself.
And find a balance that can get you both through the night.
