As a stay-at-home mom, I put a lot of pressure on myself.
I want to do it right, whatever that means.
I read stuff about what is good for kids physically and emotionally and when something makes sense, I try to implement it.
It gives me a feeling of success which, in all honesty, I badly need.
Because the feelings of success that I had been used to before my daughter was born (finishing a project, getting a good grade, receiving an appreciative comment from a customer, getting my paycheck) are gone.
All gone.
Here are some of my findings.
Findings that are basically the results of many studies conducted in many fields.
Mom should breastfeed. If she can. She should breastfeed for at least a year (although now the age is being pushed to two) and preferably even longer than that. Because breastfed babies are healthier and smarter.
No pressure.
Mom should feed the child healthy food. Preferably organic. Preferably home cooked. No processed food. Mom should strive for 5-7 servings of veggies and fruits/day (according to the anti-cancer people).
Mom should not let child watch T.V. Zero before two years. Very little after that. Because it is simply bad for them. Like real bad. It will undermine their capacity to entertain themselves, to deal with boredom, to enjoy the slower pace of the real world. It will make them want stuff and more stuff by turning them into life-long consumers. Not pretty. They benefit more from playing with a rock in the garden.
Mom should make sure child gets enough sleep. Minimum 12 hours per day when 2 years old. Every hour lost over an extended period of time is a setback in brain development. No joke.
Mom should strive to use non-plastic dishes and cups. Even BPA free sucks. Especially if heated up.
Mom should consider carefully whether she will send her child to daycare. Psychologically, children are ready for daycare around age 4-5. The little ones show elevated stress hormones in the afternoon when they are in daycare and they do a lot better with one-on-one. Especially an introverted child who is not a big fan of loud groups.
And now comes the hard part (yes, only now).
Mom should strive to be an example for the child, a role-model.
Not only in everyday habits like washing hands and cleaning up after ourselves.
But also in emotional management.
Which is the most difficult of them all.
Showing the child that when we are enraged, we breathe through it, we take a break, we acknowledge the anger but don't act on it.
Showing the child that it's ok to be mad and sad and to cry and to let it all out because things have been building up inside for a while.
These emotions are ok.
Acting on them (throwing, hitting, swearing) is not.
Teaching them this emotional management that many parents have never learned.
Because when you were angry, you were "bad" and that was it.
Also, no yelling, no spanking, no punishments, no threats.
I know some may not agree but building a relationship on fear is not my goal.
I don't want my child to be afraid of me because I am bigger and can make her do things she doesn't want to and I can punish her at any time.
I want her to do the things I ask for because we respect each other.
Utopia?
Maybe.
Some of the things I've mentioned are easy to do.
I didn't like plastic to begin with, for example.
But I can't do it all.
I can manage T.V. time (or computer time, to be more accurate since we don't have a T.V.). I used to play Baby Einstein for my daughter to get 25 minutes of peace.
I only nurse once or twice/day and I would stop if I could (I think it's been enough as it is).
I can try as hard as I want to have a regular bedtime and bed-routine, on some days it will still be a struggle. My daughter will go to bed late and invariably awake earlier than usual the next morning.
If daycare was a possibility for us, I might try part-time.
Also, I can't have a piping hot home-cooked meal full of veggies every day.
But most of all, I cannot show my daughter how to manage her emotions all the time because I am still not able to manage my own.
I will yell and will feel guilty about it and will apologize and will yell again.
I will have days when my meltdown might be just as bad as hers.
I will say some egregious threats in complete despair.
I will slam a door and scare her. And then feel like a looney.
Children will always frustrate their parents.
However, parents will also frustrate their children with their flaws and shortcomings and inability to be kind, patient and loving in crucial moments.
Because Mom simply cannot be perfect.
She will serve microwave meals and ignore the child when she wants to finish her conversation on the phone.
She will choose formula after 3 months of terror and unbearable nipple pain.
She will put her child in daycare at 12 weeks because she wants to keep her job.
She will scream at her kids like a maniac because it's 9 p.m. and they have been ignoring her for the past 25 minutes.
She will play Baby Einstein on her phone in the store because she wants to shop for 20 minutes in peace and actually be aware of what she is putting in her cart.
She will snap at her child because she can't take another sentence uttered in the nerve-wrecking whining tone.
Maybe one day the child will understand that you gave it your all even if it didn't seem like much back then. Maybe she won't.
Either way, be kind to yourself. You are trying.
And you are there even when it's all falling apart.
And that's the most important lesson to teach.
