It takes a village. But what kind?

I regularly bump into articles and studies suggesting that today's nuclear family (mom + dad + kid/s) is not how things should be.

It is not normal or natural.

It is a product of modern times.

Exhausted moms have told me they are doing it all and they feel it is not right.

There should be backup out there. 

Preferably one that does not cost a fortune.

"It takes a village to raise a child not one or two people" some would tell me. 

And I used to agree. 

I still do, partly. 

Having no close family around, I would practically fantasize about being with Loud Baby's grandparents, letting them take over for a couple of hours, having someone else do the cooking and laundry sorting. 

I would picture this ideal family in a literal village where grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins come and go, help out, pitch in, tell stories and there you have it: one big family raising the kids together, being there for each other. 

As it should be, as it used to be. Maybe even under one big roof. 

And then I went home for a few months.

All the grandparents were amazing with Loud Baby.
Their help was invaluable.
Feedings, walks, games, diaper changing.
They helped with pretty much everything except nursing, night wakings and putting Loud Baby to bed.
They had loads of patience while mine had been worn thin.
They had energy to play silly games when all I wanted was a nap.
They were so happy to have their only grandchild with them, they wanted to make the most of it.
And I was more than glad to let them be the stars in the Loud Baby show.

After a few weeks, though, I was as stressed as I had been when it was just our nuclear family.
I wanted it to be "just us" again which seemed ludicrous considering I had daydreamed about having the "big happy family" be together only a few weeks before.

But there was friction.
There was overt and covert criticism.
And more criticism.
"Why won't you pierce her ears?".
"Why are you giving her baby food from the store instead of making it? It's surely filled with preservatives and chemicals".
"Why isn't she wearing any socks?" (a big favorite).
"What kind of shoes are those? Those are terrible shoes. I can't believe how bad those shoes are".
"Why does it always have to be the way you want it?"
"Her breathing is weird. Her legs are weird. Her crawling is weird. Maybe she should see a doctor".
"How long are you going to be out? Where are you going?"
"You ate while you were out? That's weird." (this is when grandparents forget you are not the kid living under their roof anymore and they revert to their old roles).
Going out to eat during nap time despite my explaining it is not a good idea and then being grumpy because Loud Baby cried through all of it.
"You should be more patient with your child!".
 
Anyway, you get the point.
Basically, you feel like you are doing it all wrong (like a new mom needs that).
But you don't say much because the help you are getting is amazing.
And you wonder about the socks, and the earrings and the breathing and the food you are feeding your child. 
Things you didn't used to worry about before, because for some reason they all seemed ok.

By the end of it, you wonder whether the nuclear family wasn't formed because the younger people just wanted to do it their own way, be that as it may.
And the grandparents wonder why you shut down when they only want to give you well-meaning advice and suggestions.
And you seem ungrateful.
So you can't ask them not to put on videos for the one-year old without them rolling their eyes.

I guess not being under the same roof would solve some of the problems.
Unfortunately, that is not an option for us, being so far away and only rarely visiting.

It is wonderful to have help.  It always is.
However, I've found that I personally prefer to do the extra work for my baby, than have the village do it while constantly questioning my parenting ways.
I can do that by myself.

Nevertheless, thank you, village, for all your effort!
It's great to know you are out there.

No, I don't want another child. Exclamation mark.

I love kids. I really do.

I love to watch them learn and grow and I have always wanted to be a mom.

After we got married, people soon started asking when we were going to have a child.

Um...I don't know. I can make all the plans I want but there are other forces at work.

If you know what I mean.

Deciding to have a child is a huge deal.

It's natural and normal for most couples, but nevertheless it remains a huge deal.

After Loud Baby was born, my life became centered around this one tiny person.

There was no time for myself. Or my husband. Or anything else.

When you have a high spirited child who shrieks at the very thought of being handed over to someone else, you suck it up and assume your role.

It's not like your social circle is teeming with people who are eager to take care of someone so tiny and so unhappy.

(On a side note: for about three months we managed to put Loud Baby in daycare twice a week. When we told the caregivers we were moving, there were sighs of relief around us and one lady even texted her friend to let her know about the good news.)

A few months after Loud Baby turned one, I noticed I was carrying an extra bag of irritation and frustration in addition to the regular burdens of everyday life.

So I tried to trace back the emotions to the thoughts that were triggering them.

The answer was simple: I was being pressured to have another child.

And everything in my heart was telling me I was not ready.

And I felt guilty about it, about not wanting my non-existent second baby.

Talk about crazy.

Most of my friends who had given birth around the same time I had were already pregnant or trying to be.

Everywhere I went, strangers would say how beautiful Loud Baby was, ask about her age and then promptly proceed to say it was time for another one.

They knew so well.

Everyone was so sure.

Except me.

But nobody seemed to care or even ask about any of the factors that would suggest it's a good idea to go for another baby...things like whether I was getting enough sleep, if I had any help, if we had money or insurance or room in the house.

These are personal things so people don't ask them.

But they jump on you with advice for having more kids.

And that is, for some insane and not-understood-by-me reason, ok to do.

Doormen would tell me one is not enough, maintenance people would state now was the time, friends and relatives would ask if we were "working on it".

I used to be polite and evasive.

My answer now is: no. Not right now, not for a while.

I have many reasons which people don't care to hear so I don't bother.

I ignore the "What a weird person. She must really hate kids" look and move on.

But to anyone out there going through a similar situation, I will write down my reasons.

They are messy details that nobody cares to hear but which are part of a mom's messy life nonetheless.

1. My daughter has started sleeping through the night 3 months ago. There's a lot of sleep I need to catch up on out there. Around 2 years to be exact, considering I was not sleeping much in the last weeks of my pregnancy. Only a sleep-deprived person gets this so I don't bother explaining anything to moms whose kids slept at night when they were 2 weeks old.

2. I am tired of crying. Of baby crying in the night and me crying from exhaustion. Our nights are peaceful. After all this time. It is amazing. I cringe at the thought of needing to get up over and over and over again. Loud Baby cried so much in her first year, it is hard to describe. I don't want to hear anymore baby cries for a while. Toddler cries are enough for now.

3. I am still breastfeeding. My breasts are a complete mess. They often hurt. I cannot yet wean because my toddler sleeps more if I nurse her than if I don't which means a better rested toddler which means a better day. I cannot and will not tandem feed. My breasts need a break after Loud Baby will finally be done.

4. We cannot afford daycare. Or a nanny. We have no grandparents to help us. It is me and my husband. We manage as we do, with him being able to continue his work from home in case I call him and ask him to come as soon as he can because both the kid and I are burning with fever.

5. Loud Baby is a spirited child. Which means she is stubborn, demanding, and very, very intense. It is amazing to be around her when she is happy and gets creative. It is an endurance test to help her through her tantrums. Did I mention she was 2? Tantrums are a constant presence.

I am in awe of moms who have two or more kids close together and can do it all.

I am just not one of them.

And for me, it is better to be a sane mom to one child, than an exhausted wreck to two kids.

Some call this selfish.

Some say I am missing out.

A lot of research, however, says that a difference of four years and more is easier on the mom and first baby.

I am sure you can find the exact opposite too, but for now  I will stick with this one.