It takes a village. But what kind?

I regularly bump into articles and studies suggesting that today's nuclear family (mom + dad + kid/s) is not how things should be.

It is not normal or natural.

It is a product of modern times.

Exhausted moms have told me they are doing it all and they feel it is not right.

There should be backup out there. 

Preferably one that does not cost a fortune.

"It takes a village to raise a child not one or two people" some would tell me. 

And I used to agree. 

I still do, partly. 

Having no close family around, I would practically fantasize about being with Loud Baby's grandparents, letting them take over for a couple of hours, having someone else do the cooking and laundry sorting. 

I would picture this ideal family in a literal village where grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins come and go, help out, pitch in, tell stories and there you have it: one big family raising the kids together, being there for each other. 

As it should be, as it used to be. Maybe even under one big roof. 

And then I went home for a few months.

All the grandparents were amazing with Loud Baby.
Their help was invaluable.
Feedings, walks, games, diaper changing.
They helped with pretty much everything except nursing, night wakings and putting Loud Baby to bed.
They had loads of patience while mine had been worn thin.
They had energy to play silly games when all I wanted was a nap.
They were so happy to have their only grandchild with them, they wanted to make the most of it.
And I was more than glad to let them be the stars in the Loud Baby show.

After a few weeks, though, I was as stressed as I had been when it was just our nuclear family.
I wanted it to be "just us" again which seemed ludicrous considering I had daydreamed about having the "big happy family" be together only a few weeks before.

But there was friction.
There was overt and covert criticism.
And more criticism.
"Why won't you pierce her ears?".
"Why are you giving her baby food from the store instead of making it? It's surely filled with preservatives and chemicals".
"Why isn't she wearing any socks?" (a big favorite).
"What kind of shoes are those? Those are terrible shoes. I can't believe how bad those shoes are".
"Why does it always have to be the way you want it?"
"Her breathing is weird. Her legs are weird. Her crawling is weird. Maybe she should see a doctor".
"How long are you going to be out? Where are you going?"
"You ate while you were out? That's weird." (this is when grandparents forget you are not the kid living under their roof anymore and they revert to their old roles).
Going out to eat during nap time despite my explaining it is not a good idea and then being grumpy because Loud Baby cried through all of it.
"You should be more patient with your child!".
 
Anyway, you get the point.
Basically, you feel like you are doing it all wrong (like a new mom needs that).
But you don't say much because the help you are getting is amazing.
And you wonder about the socks, and the earrings and the breathing and the food you are feeding your child. 
Things you didn't used to worry about before, because for some reason they all seemed ok.

By the end of it, you wonder whether the nuclear family wasn't formed because the younger people just wanted to do it their own way, be that as it may.
And the grandparents wonder why you shut down when they only want to give you well-meaning advice and suggestions.
And you seem ungrateful.
So you can't ask them not to put on videos for the one-year old without them rolling their eyes.

I guess not being under the same roof would solve some of the problems.
Unfortunately, that is not an option for us, being so far away and only rarely visiting.

It is wonderful to have help.  It always is.
However, I've found that I personally prefer to do the extra work for my baby, than have the village do it while constantly questioning my parenting ways.
I can do that by myself.

Nevertheless, thank you, village, for all your effort!
It's great to know you are out there.