I love kids. I really do.
I love to watch them learn and grow and I have always wanted to be a mom.
After we got married, people soon started asking when we were going to have a child.
Um...I don't know. I can make all the plans I want but there are other forces at work.
If you know what I mean.
Deciding to have a child is a huge deal.
It's natural and normal for most couples, but nevertheless it remains a huge deal.
After Loud Baby was born, my life became centered around this one tiny person.
There was no time for myself. Or my husband. Or anything else.
When you have a high spirited child who shrieks at the very thought of being handed over to someone else, you suck it up and assume your role.
It's not like your social circle is teeming with people who are eager to take care of someone so tiny and so unhappy.
(On a side note: for about three months we managed to put Loud Baby in daycare twice a week. When we told the caregivers we were moving, there were sighs of relief around us and one lady even texted her friend to let her know about the good news.)
A few months after Loud Baby turned one, I noticed I was carrying an extra bag of irritation and frustration in addition to the regular burdens of everyday life.
So I tried to trace back the emotions to the thoughts that were triggering them.
The answer was simple: I was being pressured to have another child.
And everything in my heart was telling me I was not ready.
And I felt guilty about it, about not wanting my non-existent second baby.
Talk about crazy.
Most of my friends who had given birth around the same time I had were already pregnant or trying to be.
Everywhere I went, strangers would say how beautiful Loud Baby was, ask about her age and then promptly proceed to say it was time for another one.
They knew so well.
Everyone was so sure.
Except me.
But nobody seemed to care or even ask about any of the factors that would suggest it's a good idea to go for another baby...things like whether I was getting enough sleep, if I had any help, if we had money or insurance or room in the house.
These are personal things so people don't ask them.
But they jump on you with advice for having more kids.
And that is, for some insane and not-understood-by-me reason, ok to do.
Doormen would tell me one is not enough, maintenance people would state now was the time, friends and relatives would ask if we were "working on it".
I used to be polite and evasive.
My answer now is: no. Not right now, not for a while.
I have many reasons which people don't care to hear so I don't bother.
I ignore the "What a weird person. She must really hate kids" look and move on.
But to anyone out there going through a similar situation, I will write down my reasons.
They are messy details that nobody cares to hear but which are part of a mom's messy life nonetheless.
1. My daughter has started sleeping through the night 3 months ago. There's a lot of sleep I need to catch up on out there. Around 2 years to be exact, considering I was not sleeping much in the last weeks of my pregnancy. Only a sleep-deprived person gets this so I don't bother explaining anything to moms whose kids slept at night when they were 2 weeks old.
2. I am tired of crying. Of baby crying in the night and me crying from exhaustion. Our nights are peaceful. After all this time. It is amazing. I cringe at the thought of needing to get up over and over and over again. Loud Baby cried so much in her first year, it is hard to describe. I don't want to hear anymore baby cries for a while. Toddler cries are enough for now.
3. I am still breastfeeding. My breasts are a complete mess. They often hurt. I cannot yet wean because my toddler sleeps more if I nurse her than if I don't which means a better rested toddler which means a better day. I cannot and will not tandem feed. My breasts need a break after Loud Baby will finally be done.
4. We cannot afford daycare. Or a nanny. We have no grandparents to help us. It is me and my husband. We manage as we do, with him being able to continue his work from home in case I call him and ask him to come as soon as he can because both the kid and I are burning with fever.
5. Loud Baby is a spirited child. Which means she is stubborn, demanding, and very, very intense. It is amazing to be around her when she is happy and gets creative. It is an endurance test to help her through her tantrums. Did I mention she was 2? Tantrums are a constant presence.
I am in awe of moms who have two or more kids close together and can do it all.
I am just not one of them.
And for me, it is better to be a sane mom to one child, than an exhausted wreck to two kids.
Some call this selfish.
Some say I am missing out.
A lot of research, however, says that a difference of four years and more is easier on the mom and first baby.
I am sure you can find the exact opposite too, but for now I will stick with this one.
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