The heart of the matter

I usually write about the day to day life, joy and struggles of motherhood.

I don't dive into difficult, sensitive, complex subjects.

Like the right to own a gun.

Or the real price of cheap clothes.

Or high fructose corn syrup.

Or abortion.

This time, however I decided to write my thoughts on the latter.

These are just that.

My thoughts.

My opinions.

You can agree or disagree.

I am past that point of getting into endless debates, discussing various scenarios to prove one point or the other. 

I used to believe abortion was ok. 

After all, life is tough and hard and there are so many situations when expecting a child is the worst news you can possibly get or at least that's what you think.

Then, a few years ago I saw the movie "The Silent Scream" where an abortion is actually filmed with the help of the ultrasound.

I remember I broke down and cried.

A feeling of dread and indescribable pain came over me combined with a strong desire of protecting little ones.

It has never left me.

It only grew stronger over time. 

When I was pregnant with my daughter after a miscarriage, I was terrified I would lose her too. 

The doctors did extra tests and ultrasounds to make sure things were ok.

Which meant I got my first ultrasound very early. 

At 6 weeks and 5 days. 

My husband and I went in and I was scared, worried and a complete mess.

But things went well.

And on the screen, there it was, the thing we had been hoping and praying to see.

The baby's heart.

Beating away wildly with great passion and determination. 

I still have the picture. 

The next ultrasound was at 8 weeks.

Things were good.

The doctor jokingly said "Your gummy bear is just fine".

Because that's what she looked like back then with her tiny arms and legs. 

Sometimes when my daughter is asleep, nursing peacefully I lay my hand on her chest.

Her heart still strong, beating away, filled with life.

The same heart we saw more than 3 years ago.

I have no doubt in my mind that the tiny thing we saw at the beginning and at every consultation afterwards was my child.

She was just very little back then but already she had everything she needed to grow just like she does now when she is 2.5 years old. 

She had human DNA, a human's heart and at 8 weeks, a human head and limbs. 

Many will say a child is not a child at that stage.

Other words are used.

Like fetus and pregnancy.

Anything to distance ourselves from the reality of a "baby", "child" or "tiny human".

Because if we didn't, abortion would be unbearable. 

Many will say at this stage, the fetus is not a human.

But how can we trust our current definition of what being human means?

We used to define slaves as non-human.

Coloured people.

Jews.

Twins.

Homosexuals. 

Even women.

At some  point in history, all these categories were considered sub-human or non-human.

So now we have another category, the unborn child. 

And we're supposed to believe the arguments because...?

The relationship between a mother and a child is like nothing else in this world.

My daughter is my child, she lives in my house and eats my food (most of the time, anyway).

But she is not my person. I don't own her.

I never have.

She is just very very close to me at the beginning when she is in my tummy.

And then slowly she becomes more and more detached from me over the years.

My body is not only mine, it is hers as well during pregnancy.

Letting her be part of me is beautiful.

It is the most one can give another human being who is as defenseless as it can possibly be.

And the real test of being human is just this: how we treat those who depend on us completely, whom we have nothing to gain from, who cannot repay us, whom we can do anything we please with because we are all they know. 

They count on us so completely, it scares us. 

We have no choice but to show them who we really are.

We don't need to hide behind social norms, politeness, masks, flattery, give-and-take games. 

They just want us. 

Children.

Animals.

And sometimes the elderly. 

We can be cruel to them.

We can deny them anything, including life itself.

They cannot fight back. 

Or we can take them in.

Accept them.

Accept that life with them is worth more than life without them.

They ask a lot from us and by giving it to them, we will become more that we have ever thought possible. 

We have one more heart in the world we can love and who will love us back, one more heart to help heal when broken and who will help ours heal.  

May all hearts be blessed, big and small!