When you are a mommy, you acquire a certain set of new ... abilities.
Supernatural spidey hearing, abnormal multitasking capacity, painfully sharp protective instincts.
Just to name a few.
And then, after a tiny bit of experience, you learn to distinguish between different categories of women.
You don't really care what their job is anymore or where they eat out.
What kind of music they prefer. Yeah right.
You are focused on one thing and one thing only.
Are they or aren't they moms.
And from a couple of kid-related sentences you immediately know not only whether they are but also if you can be friends or not.
There are the older women. Who still are, of course, moms but who have long forgotten the crazy details of everyday crazy lives with a little one.
Sample sentences:
Older lady: "Oh she's so chubby."
Me: "Yes, she likes her milk"
Older lady: "She's still breastfeeding?? Well, after one year the milk has no nutritional value so it doesn't do her any good".
Right. That used to be the theory.
Back in the stone age.
They are also the ones who will warmly advise you to start working on number two.
By number two they obviously mean a "sweet little brother".
It just has to be a brother.
Lady...do you see the dark circles under my eyes? The kid might seem cute now on the playground but trust me, she can throw tantrums.
She can't even talk yet. She's just starting to learn her words.
She knows "mama", "tata", "baba", "water" and "cat".
Given this vocabulary, how am I going to explain the "Mommy is puking because baby brother is growing in her tummy bit?".
Or run after her with pregnancy fatigue while she climbs any vertical surface in sight.
Maybe you want a fact sheet with our financial state also, number of bedrooms and square feet so you can decide where we are going to put one more person.
I might send you the daycare bill as well.
I know these ladies mean well but please let me enjoy my daughter without adding social pressure in having another one right now.
And then there are non-mums.
These are the ladies who will invite you over for dinner, say something like "Oh, hi Loud Baby. You are so adorable" and then proceed to behave as if she were invisible but worse expect me to chat and make intelligent conversation as if a 16 month old can pull up a novel and read for an hour or two.
Also, usually the place is a minefield.
There are more choking hazards and breakable things combined than in a museum.
So I'm supposed to eat and praise the pot roast while trying to have meaningful conversation with the host while fighting my cranky kid who is yet again holding an earring from the fancy jewelry box while really needing to use the bathroom...while thinking "Abort mission.Need to leave".
And the lady, she doesn't even notice the crisis unfolding right in front of her and casually goes on talking about her stuff with a glass of wine in her hand, asking me if I've read John Green's latest novel.
I would like to tell her I don't read these days.
Well, except when desperately searching google for parental advice on toddler hitting and biting.
I don't think that counts.
So I go.."No, not yet. Heard it was great though. What's it about?".
Of course I have no idea who John Green is. Will probably google that too when surfing Aha!Parenting.com
Non-moms will also say stuff like:
"Oh, she's 11 months old? Can she talk yet?"
Umm...no...not quite yet.
"So you stay at home with the baby? Nice. What else do you do?"
Perform surgery. On dead brain cells (my own)
"We're going away for three days next week. Wanna come? It's this great place with great sights and great food and great shops etc etc."
Sure. Let me ask my boss.
Sorry, she said no.
"Oh so you say there are hard moments. But it's worth it, right? You're tired? But surely it's worth it"
It seems to be some sort of a mantra, this "It's worth it".
I am not saying it is not true.
But it's so overused.
And annoying.
Some moments when you are in the pit, you don't see that it's worth "it".
"It" what?
But I can't tell you that so I'll just smile and nod.
Like I know it all.
Which I don't.
I was a non-mom once.
My momminess laughs her head off now at my theories from non-mommy days.
"You just need to be patient and loving with a child".
Aha.
Tell me more, this is so funny.
"The first 2-3 months are hard, then it gets easier"
And then it doesn't.
Non-mom me talking to a mom, thinking:
"Why is she saying she can't go to the bathroom alone? That is so weird."
Non-mommies are great too, bless them, we just don't have much in common unless we try really hard.
Here's the deal: I'll read your John Green book in the precious 2 hours I have/day and you'll clean up safety hazards when we come over next time and MAYBE we'll get 30 minutes of mildly interrupted conversation.
Because it's worth it ;)
"
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