No drama Momma

A friend  of mine dropped in one afternoon.

The apartment was clean, almost all the toys were in their place and I had recently finished vacuuming.
"Wow, your place looks great.", she said.

On a different day the same friend (also a mommy) stopped by with some toys she was lending us. 

This time, the place was a mess. Toys everywhere, some clothes here and there. 

My daughter and I were sitting on the floor building a tower of blocks.

"Wow girls, you look like you're having a lot of fun", she said.

There are people who will always find something nice to say to you regardless of who you are and what you are doing. They lift you up and are a pleasure to be around because you feel safe. They won't judge you for your messy living room, your screaming child or your parenting methods. They won't judge other parents and non-parents alike.

After my previous post about "Why mom can't do it all", I received two kinds of messages. 

Messages of appreciation and messages from outraged moms who thought the post was the rant of a brat.

I was told to grow-up.

To get a job.

To stop being self-indulgent.

To stop being a martyr and make other moms look bad with my whining. 

To just figure it out and suck it up and be the parent I needed to be. 

To not have meltdowns. 

To stop blogging and then I might get more done around the house. 

I have one child who sleeps at night and a husband. 

Hence, I have to be able to do it all.

I was told moms do nothing but whine lately and write about how hard it is for them when all they are doing is a simple job. 

It's not that hard, they said.

They themselves work and have time to cook every day.

Or they stay at home and enjoy it and it's no big deal to them.

They don't scream at their kids. 

They don't slam doors.

And that is, I think, really awesome, that they can do it like that.

 It's just parenting, it's not rocket science. They say. 

And they are right.

It's not rocket science.

I could blog about other things than the hardships of parenting (or at least, what I consider hardships). 

But being a parent is, right now, the most important aspect of my life and that is what fills my head and my heart. 

So that's what I write about.

Are there too many blogs out there of the sort with moms "whining" like me?

Probably.

I wonder why. 

Could it be because in real life it is hard to find a friend you can actually tell "Look, I messed up the other day. I feel like I suck as a parent. And being a good parent is the most important thing to me right now"- without wondering if they will judge you, without wondering if they will frown and say "Lady, figure it out. You're an adult". 

Because most of us are parents and have strong opinions about parenting.

I could write about the joys of staying up until 3 a.m. studying for exams but that wouldn't interest too many people. 

Anyway, when someone attacks you like that, your immediate instinct is to protect yourself.

You want to tell them why you can't have a job right now.

Or that you do cook every day most of the time.
Or that you blog once or twice per month. 
Or that most days are quite ok, there's no drama (except for toddler tantrums).
Or that you don't usually yell and you make it your goal not to.

Or that you don't have meltdowns all the time but it did happen and it was an awful day with tons of problems and an extremely cranky toddler.
Or that you chose to write about these worst moments to show that we are all vulnerable and sometimes maxed out, regardless of who we are and what we do.
Or that,as far as you can tell, every mom is simply trying to do her best with whatever financial and emotional resources she has. 

And none of it matters.

Because it all depends on what eye they are using to look at you.

If they use a good eye, they don't need your explanations.

Their assumptions about you are positive to begin with. 

If they use the evil eye, you can try to justify yourself all you want.

They will still find a way to judge. 

You can try to explain that not all kids are the same and yours is somewhat more difficult, more intense, more sensitive and more loud than others. 

According to them, it's your fault you are not handling it all smoothly all the time and now you complain about it. 

You are not doing it right. You are not enough.

Ending probably with a comment such as "Well then you shouldn't have had a kid in the first place if you have all these problems". 

These kind of words tap into every parent's greatest fear: that they are not good enough of a mom or a dad.  And they are also not allowed to say anything about this fear because they need to "grow up". 

I decide to choose a different approach.

When someone tells me about their problems/complains/whines (call it whatever you want), it will be a good test for me to see what kind of eye I can offer them. 

The good one or the evil one?

Do I have empathy even though I don't get their problems?

Do I have a good word although I don't completely understand their hardships?

If I think they are overreacting, do I care enough to get some more information or will I fill in the blanks by myself and give my conclusions?

If I think they are overreacting, can I tell them that in a kind, non-destructive way?
Or will I just see it as exaggerated momma drama?

What is one of the most important lessons I want to teach my child?

To be a good person, to be kind.  

We talk about it all the time.

Say "please" and "thank you".

Share. 

Baby Alex is sad. Go give him a hug.

Don't say mean words to other kids. 

Maybe we, as adults, need to say less mean things as well. 

Listen to our own advice to the little ones. 

We teach them to go beyond their first impulse of hitting or biting or screaming and find the right way to do things. 

So we, as adults, can practice going beyond our first impulse of judging and throwing rocks, think things through and find the compassion towards every person, child or grown-up alike.