If you can't say something nice...

As a kid, I loved watching Bambi. 

I probably still know all the lines by heart.

There's a scene in the movie in which Thumper makes an unflattering comment on Bambi's walking abilities. 

His mother immediately steps in: "Thumper, what did your father tell you?".

The little bunny is quick to answer: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". 

It seems to me we tend to forget this rule in our day to day life.

We chat and we talk and we say whatever craziness comes to our mind just to fill the silence.

I am one of those people that enjoys chatting about the little things and little nothings. 

In stores, when standing in line, when getting groceries, when standing around at the playground.

Being 7 months pregnant seems to make it easier for others to start talking to me as well. 

And it doesn't bother me. 

Strangers can be amazingly kind and sympathetic and encouraging. 

I don't mind the usual questions.

Do you know what you are having?

Have you picked out  name yet?

Is this your first one?

How far along are you?

Usually people will also add something along the lines of "That's exciting" or "Congratulations" or "Good luck".

But every now and then, there's someone who feels compelled to make a comment on my size.

When they hear I am 7 months along, they immediately say: "Wow, well you look ready to have the baby now/to pop/to go" and they have a facial expression that ranges anywhere between surprise and disgust. 

Why someone would make a comment like that puzzles me.

You don't comment on people's sizes generally speaking so why you would do it with a pregnant woman is beyond me.

'Cas hormones and a more emotional state and stuff, you know?

It's not a big deal, I know, not really but it just made me think since it is something that does happen regularly. 

And I was trying to figure out an appropriate response because the first answer that pops into my head is always something completely stupid that ranges between blank stare, annoyed stare, ignore and move on and lecture mode.

It's just one of those mildly irritating things, irritation at people being inconsiderate.

In conclusion, if you can't say something nice to the pregnant lady you just met in the baby section at Walmart, don't say anything at all.

AFH - Asking for Help

My 3.5 year old has recently developed separation anxiety, especially at bed time.

While at first this could easily be solved by leaving her bedroom door open and reassuring her we were literally 5 steps away in the living room, the past few days have been more challenging. 

I am sitting right outside her door as I am writing this, researching suggestions and possible solutions. 

Hoping it's just a phase that will pass but also wondering whether some active steps need to be taken. 

But this post is not about separation anxiety.

It's about AFH- Asking for Help.

It seems that no matter what parenting article or book I happen to be reading, regardless on what subject, there's always that part where the mother is advised to "ask for help from family and friends when things get hard/you are sleep deprived/you need a break/you need a meal/you need some shopping done" etc. 

No matter the problem, one of the suggested (mostly temporary) solutions is to outsource the kid or have someone do some chores for you. 

As we are now expecting baby no. 2 in a couple of months, I was trying to read up on ideas about how one can manage with a newborn and a toddler.

And there are great tips out there and great moms who not only manage two but more children. 

Needless to say, though, the first suggestion in articles and books is pretty much always to get help and not to fret over laundry or a messy house or non-home-cooked meals. 

"Don't be ashamed, ask grandma to pitch in, drop your child off with your friends for an hour or two while you catch up on some sleep". 

Stuff like that. 

To all of that, I can only say "Duh". I mean I know there might be some of us who have great help at hand and are still shy or afraid to ask for it but in my experience, that's not usually the problem. 

Most of the time good help is just hard to find. 

Because there are no grandparents or they are far away or they are sick. 

Because you have no friends or your friends are busy, overwhelmed or simply don't know how to deal with your child. 

Because help can cost a lot of money; money that you don't have. 

And sometimes not even money guarantees you'll find a great nanny or an awesome daycare/preschool.

I remember when my daughter was 3 or 4 months old and a very well-meaning friend offered to watch her for an hour while my husband and I went out to grab dinner. 

I warned her I had a fussy, sometimes colicky baby but she was confident it would be ok. 

It wasn't.

She called us right as we were coming back to her place, completely befuddled over my daughter's constant crying. 

"She is probably hungry", she said.

I told her no, she was not. "That's just how she is". 

And at first, other mothers offered to hold her for a few minutes while I ate a sandwich at a get-together or while trying to get in the car but soon nobody did anymore.

Everyone shies away from a difficult baby/toddler/kid. 

They think you'll know best, as a mom.

And sometimes you do.

And sometimes you are just as clueless as the next stranger in the street.

Even my parents whom we visited for a couple of months when my daughter was one, were completely terrified of being alone with her for more than two-three hours.

Everyone expects you to handle it. 

Because you are mom.

So, after a while, you - Mom- expect it too. 

You figure it out somehow.

You skip the vacuuming and order Chinese.

You go to bed at 8, right after your toddler is asleep.

You worship the slow cooker. 

You are thankful for the guy in the store who carried the bottled water pack to your car.

You sit at your toddler's bedroom door until she falls asleep. 

You are grateful you have a husband who helps whenever he can.

And you hope you will work it out even if you have two little ones. 

Really, sometimes, no help is better than stressful help, nosy help, unsolicited-advice-help, or fake-help (when people offer but they do it out of politeness and now it's your job to figure it out whether they meant it or not and then deal with the disappointment of pretty words). 

(Yes, I know there are scenarios when there is no choice and you have to get help even from people who are more difficult or nosy or mean. And that's ok.)

With that being said, my favorite type of help is the what-do-you-need kind of help or some variation of it. 

You know, something that goes towards the specific rather than the vague "Well, let me know if you need anything once the baby comes". 

I can give you examples of specifics but I think we all know what I mean. 

It's very fulfilling when it happens and your feel pumped with gratitude. 

So asking for help and offering help can be tricky. 

But somehow this too is part of raising kids, a skill to discover and master with a lot of do's and don'ts.  

Just another thing to learn along the way.

'Tis the season to be gratfeul

I have to confess that I am one of those people who loves the Christmas season. 

I love the songs, the lights, the atmosphere.

I love decorating my tree and my living room.

I love planning and making our Christmas meal. 

I love the meaning behind the holiday, the hopefulness and joyfulness of it.

The only thing I am not so crazy about is excess.

I was in the waiting room at the doctor's office the other day and a shopping channel was on.

They were presenting wallets and some kind of electronic board games and when there was a commercial break, more stuff was being advertised.

Everything labeled with "Hurry" and "Will arrive before Christmas" and "Make sure you get this". 

After watching this for about 5 minutes I felt like it was just all too much. 

For me, the more these companies force their ads and products on me, the more I feel like I don't want to buy anything.

Free shipping on everything.

Buy two get one free. 

Ten percent off if you order before midnight.

And I just want to go sit on a bench in the park and forget the whole thing. 

So instead of making lists of what I want, I've decided to make one with what I already have that I am grateful for.

Turns out the list is endless and I really don't need any more stuff. 

I'll give you my top 5:

1. Peaceful times

2. Healthy family

3. Warm house

4. Food in the fridge

5. Comforts of the 21st century (my washing machine, indoor plumbing, laptops, working car etc). 

In light of all this, I've decided to give my daughter one present for Christmas.

Just one. 

I am happy I have the means to offer it to her (it's a small doll house, for those who are wondering).

Of course, friends and family want to shower her with presents which is a great blessing. 

But I will give those to her a bit later because otherwise she would just go into a package opening frenzy and would not even be able to enjoy all of them. 

When I was growing up, some of my Christmases were poor. 

We always had some kind of presents and a tree though.

Later, my parents could afford more expensive gifts and I remember getting video cassettes or Polly Pockets and Barbie dolls. And I loved all of those.

But I also remember receiving more modest presents like a bag of oranges and sweets and gingerbread men from church and I couldn't care less about them because they could not compare to all of the stuff that was waiting for me under the tree. 

It's important to help our children foster a sense of gratefulness.

To protect them from becoming desensitized by great amounts of stuff that they receive continuously and which make them unable to be appreciative of what they have.

If my daughter goes to the doctor, she gets stickers and coloring books.

If we eat out, she gets crayons.

If we go to church, there is always a nice person who brings her a teddy bear or a lollipop.

I think she got something almost every week for the past few months. 

So I try to talk to her about giving and donating and counting the things at the end of the day that we are grateful for. 

Of course, she is not even three but I feel like you can't start too early. 

It is so very easy to get caught up in the shopping spree. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to give something to your loved ones for Christmas. 

Some gifts are simply timeless like books and games and CD's, tickets to various shows, markers and so on.

I have to admit that it's difficult for me to not buy my daughter a gift that I am sure she will like.

And the things she likes right now like figurines and doll stuff are really inexpensive. 

(Although when I see just how inexpensive they are and see where they are made, I immediately picture some wretched laborers slaving away for a few pennies so that my kid can take one look at the toy and then throw it in the corner).  

So I always think that it is better for her to have one meaningful gift than many many things she won't even know what to do with.

In other words, it is better for her if I don't buy her many toys. 

And then I can spend that money on an experience instead, like visiting a museum or taking a one-day trip to a nearby lake. Making memories.  

I wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year! May it be filled with memorable moments that you and your child can talk about many years from now!

Why the terrible twos are not that terrible

Today my two-year-old daughter decided to go against her better judgement (and by "her", I mean "mine") and skip her nap. 

She tossed and turned and talked and giggled but, alas, sleep remained elusive.

So, basically, the second half of the day kind of...sucked. 

There were tantrums and there was whining and exasperation. 

And a lot of deep breaths on my part. 

There were also beautiful moments, idyllic some might say or cliche, others might think.

Like when we were sitting under the tree, with the sun warming our backs and just digging around the fallen leaves with a couple of sticks. 

Reading books.

Playing tickle monster.

Silly stuff we both enjoy.

And then I do something completely stupid and, after reading some random article online or watching a youtube video, I look at the comment section.

And what I see is painful.

Hateful words, pointless arguing and more hatred.

People disagree about everything, it seems and, protected by anonymity, they lash out at anyone who doesn't share their views.

I close the laptop and feel my peace slip away and fear creeping in.

How on earth am I supposed to raise a child in a world so filled with hatred and indifference?

It's not just some silly comments I am worried about, of course.

I am worried about everything.

Everything this world wants to offer or impose upon me and especially my child, all the voices always arguing, always screaming, always disagreeing. 

I don't know many things but the few things I do know about what is important in life, I've learned the hard way.

I am still surprised I ended up as I did.

It could have been a lot worse considering some of the naive and reckless decisions I've made along the way.

I wish I could take all that hard earned knowledge and give it to my daughter.

I can only hope she will listen to me as she grows up and not to the myriad of other voices that will lie to her in order to get her money, her vote, her support, her heart and soul.

I can only hope she will trust me as she grows more and more into who she is.

I know the time will come when she will argue with me, she will question me and the values, morals and ideas that I believe in, she will defy me and even deliberately disobey me about crucial matters. 

I hope I can still offer her guidance, even then.

Especially then.

But right now, I need to handle tantrums and whining.

Tantrums about getting dressed or undressed, about bedtime, about getting into the carseat.

Whining about getting more chocolate, reading one more book, staying 5 more minutes at the playground.

And, in all honesty, I prefer all this.

It seems so easy compared to arguing with her about any kind of filth that is out there and which she might feel tempted to embrace.

Right now she is little and innocent even in her anger and her tantrums. 

She is overtaken by pure joy simply by me giving her a peach or taking her to pet the animals. 

It's so easy to make her happy and still quite easy to comfort her.

She's an open book.

I pray I never do anything to make her close herself up to me.

That would truly be terrible as the mothers of many teens will tell you. 

In the meantime, we need to work on our nap routine.

And I'll keep improving my tickle monster skills. 

Mommy's hidden enemy: great expectations

You know how they say you cannot control anybody's behavior except your own.

Act don't react.

Stuff like that.

It turns out, this kind of mentality is crucial when you're a parent.

Sometimes I get lost in my own little world, imagining how my daughter is going to love the zoo or hate the mall or sleep during a long car ride.

The truth is, I can make an educated guess about her reaction to something, but I can never be sure.

And because of that, it's best to keep my expectations in check.

Example.

When my daughter was one and a half, we decided to go to the pool.

It was a lovely pool, clean, simple, blue...that kind of thing.

I bought some swim diapers, sunscreen, packed our bag with sunhats and snacks and toys and wipes and changing clothes and towels and a sippy cup... a whole lot of stuff.

I was giddy with excitement, remembering how I had seen other moms with tiny ones cooling in the pool, twirling in the water, giggling and enjoying each other's company.

When we get there, it does not look good.

My toddler starts protesting immediately.

She does not like the pool or the water or the toys or anything really.

There's another mommy in the water with an 8 month old who is having the time of her life.

I look at my own offspring, all grumpy, dissatisfied and winy. 

I'm not giving up so quickly!

I talk to her about how great's it's going to be, how mommy will take care of her and how we're going to swim together and chase her favourite ball in the pool.

I pick her up and in we go.

And....no. 

My daughter fusses at first and all my attempts to soothe her fail.

In less than a minute, the fussing turns into crying, then into high-pitched screaming. 

People are looking.

Some are frowning.

Some are irritated.

Some are simply baffled by the volume such a tiny human can produce, a bafflement I have gotten used to by now.

We go out, she eats her crackers and, now deflated, I decide to give it one more try.

We go into the water, she screams, we come out of the water and we go home.

Should have bought the smaller pack of swim diapers. 

Fast forward a month later, on a Saturday, we decide to hit the zoo.

It's all messed up, we leave too late, soon it will be nap time, the traffic is slow, it's all crowded.

I am cranky, trying to prepare myself for the disaster that's ahead of us.

I am already sorry we spent money on the tickets.

But then 30 minutes pass and it's all good.

And then another 30 minutes.

My daughter, although tired, is thrilled.

She wants to see it all.

She loves the flamingos and the elephants.

She is excited about the kangaroos.

I am amazed.

I actually take courage and start enjoying it myself.

We have lunch, we visit more animals and as the zoo announces it is now 6 pm and they need to close, my daughter falls asleep in my arms as we are on our way out. 

I've learned I simply cannot burden my child (and myself) with expectations of blissful trips and visits.

I've learned to handle my disappointment when things don't go as planned. 

Sometimes it's hard but that's not her fault. 

And, most importantly, I've learned that we might not have a good time all the time but we definitely will on a different occasion, when mommy might not even expect it. 

Dear unborn baby

Dear unborn baby,

I am writing to you to tell you I am sorry you can't be here today.

I am truly sorry you were not given the chance. 

The world is a lesser place because you are not here anymore.

Your absence echoes in my ears when I have the patience to listen.

I am sorry your mommy decided not to have you.

I know you don't understand why. 

She thought this was best for her or you or both of you. 

Yes, I know she should have protected you and cherished you and took on the world for you.

Regardless of her reasons, I want you to know this:

It's not your fault.

You are truly wonderful and innocent. 

You are unique, valuable and important. 

I know you were safe for a while.

Tiny and eager to live. 

Here, in the big world, we have tiny bugs as big as you were who fight with all their being for their life. 

I know you were even more eager than that. 

You were in the best place ever.

Mommy's tummy.

I know it hurt when they took you out.

I know you were scared.

I am sorry, little baby.

I wish I could have snapped my fingers and taken you in.

We have a house, enough space, a two year old who thinks she has it all figured out, a pear tree and lots of pretty flowers.

I am sorry you will not know of such things.

I am sorry your tiny body was treated disrespectfully, thrown out or sold for money.

I assure you, angel, many people would have been proud and blessed to be your mommy and daddy, people who have been waiting for a long time to have a family.

There are folks who are trying to help, who want this to stop. 

Who know you are the next generation and we can't act like we can just wipe you out, like we are the only ones on this planet.

Not everybody cares, not everyone understands and I am sorry for that too. 

The most difficult thing in the world is to change someone's heart. 

I wish this world was perfect. Mommies could just have their babies and raise them and love them.

But it's not, little one. 

It's a very strange place where people argue and discuss and attack each other and insult each other and they cannot agree about you and who you are. 

I am sorry nobody will get to hold you.

I am sorry you won't have a name.

I am sorry you are labeled as a "fetus", "product of conception" or other terms.

I am sorry you won't grow up to be a painter, a teacher, a sales representative or whatever you would have liked to be. 

I am sorry the world has decided you are not needed, you are disposable.

You are needed. You were needed. 

You are important. 

You are perfect, a true biological miracle in whom a whole molecular and cellular universe worked unceasingly just to create your beating heart at 5 weeks. And that was just the beginning. 

As I write this, my daughter is sleeping in her crib.

She has 2 pillows, 3 baby blankets, a ball and a plastic bottle that she demands every night before going to bed.

She is the best thing in my life and I don't deserve her. 

Having her is superior to everything else. 

Everything pales in comparison.

I am sorry you were not given the chance to life.

To show the world and the people around you what a blast you could be. 

It will end one day. I hope to see you then. 

I am sending you all my love and I pray every day that God blesses you, your mom and dad and every little baby who was not given the chance to just be.

For anyone who wishes to pray for the little ones who never had a voice, here is a prayer:

Heavenly Father, 
Thou hast given us the gift of freedom 
to love and to follow in Thy ways and commands. 
Some parents choose to abuse this freedom 
by destroying the gift of life 
which Thou hast given to their offspring. 
Please forgive those who destroy human life 
by aborting their unborn babies. 
Give these unborn children the opportunity 
to enjoy Thee for all eternity, 
if it according to Thy ordinance. 
Assist me in being one in solidarity with Thy little ones 
by taking to heart the words of Thy Son, 
"whatever you did for one of these least brothers of Mine, 
you did for Me." (Mt. 25:40) 
Therefore, allow me today, Father, 
to adopt spiritually an unborn child 
and to offer my prayers, works, 
joys and sufferings for that little one, 
so that child will be able to be born and live 
for Thy greater honor and glory. 
We pray this in Jesus' name, 
in union with the Holy Spirit one God forever and ever.

.

Why reading too much parenting advice can be bad for you

I read a couple of parenting articles online 3 weeks after my daughter was born.

I was trying to find something to help ease her colic and reduce the amount of crying that was going on in our house.

As the months went by and some issues resolved themselves, while new ones kept popping up, I kept reading books and articles recommended by friends and family who swore these were awesome materials with real, useable advice.

As I read on, everything made sense.

Each book was logical and nicely written and very convincing.

And each one would contradict the one before and still be logical and nicely written and very convincing.

There was not much agreement among them.

Except for one thing: whatever you are doing, you are sending a message to your child with your behaviour and your words and potentially damaging your child unless you do things the "right" way.

And the "right" way changed with each article and book I read.

I'll give you some examples.

1. Time-outs

A lot of the advice out there says time-outs are a good and gentle approach when used correctly.

And then there is the other camp that says a time-out is symbolic abandonment, rejecting your child because of the "bad behaviour" and withdrawing your love.

Kids learn nothing from it. 

They think about how unfair it is and not about how to make things right. 

2. Giving choices

It's good to give a child choices. Let her choose between two things (not more) so she feels that she has some control, some authority in this world in which she is rather small. The blue shoes or the sandals, an apple or a mango, cherry or vanilla yoghurt, sitting or standing in the stroller, going to the park or the zoo etc.

Or not.

Letting a child choose between things all the time tires her and also makes her feel entitled to choices all the time, even in situations when there are no other options. According to some experts, it's better for mom or dad to make most choices so the child knows they are in charge, she can depend on them and that, ultimately, what they say goes, there's no negotiating for every trip and every food and every pair of shoes.

3. Say "yes" to your child as much as you can

This way, she will learn to say a lot of "yes" to you in return and she won't have a meltdown when you say "no" because you will only say it when it really matters.

In our case, this did not work out so well.

My saying a lot of yes, resulted in my daughter demanding more and more.

More toys to take on a ride, more stuff to go to bed with, more stories etc. and all in all more mess. And consequently, more need for me to set more limits (two toys for the ride, 3 bed time stories and so on and so forth).

Also, when I had to say "no", my daughter did not seem to be able to handle it without rolling on the floor.

So much for that theory.

4. Counting to 3

A great option. It gives the child a warning and some time to make the right decision on his own.

Not according to other experts.

Who say counting to 3 is harsh and threatening. Like a terrible consequence will follow.

5. Consequences

Basically, they suck. They are a fancy word for punishment.

"Stop it or there will be a consequence!".

Unless you are reading a different book that says consequences are the best way to teach a child that his decisions have certain results, good or bad.

And then of course, there are whole books just about efficient and inefficient consequences. 

6. Defiance and tantrums

These are the child's way of asking for help.

His emotions are out of whack and he doesn't understand what's happening so he lashes out.

Connect with the child. Talk to him about his feelings. Hug him. Tell him what he is feeling now is anger or disappointment or whatever and it is ok (but at the same time explain that hitting when angry is not ok).

Let him know this is all normal and he is not a bad person because he is angry or upset.

Or you could go with another approach that says talking to the child all the time and analyzing his feelings is counterproductive. Tell him to "Knock it off! We don't hit people!" and then give him a time-out to cool down and get himself together again. Long speeches and explanations are tiring and difficult to follow for a little one. Don't be harsh, don't yell but be firm and in charge. The child needs it. With too much feeling analyzing, he will just miss the whole point that hitting is bad.

7. Being there for your child

Be there. Help when you can. All the way, throughout all the years.
This way, your child will have a solid foundation to grow on and rely on.
He knows he can turn to you and you will be there.
He will not have memories of a criticizing mother or an absent father, of a parent who "just didn't get it" and didn't take pains with helping him out about the things that were important to him. Which is great.
Or not.
Because apparently, overparenting is a thing and it's not pretty.
When kids don't experience any discomfort because mommy and daddy always help him out, he will feel lost as an adult. He will feel empty and lacking basic problem-solving skills, resilience or perseverance. 

These are just a few examples. The list is endless.

You will find any parenting advice you can think of and the opposite of that and then the opposite of that.

The result of which is the post-modern super-confused mother who sees her kid refuse to get in the carseat (again) and wonders why any of this crap isn't working.

Is it me?

Is it the "parenting method"?

Is it the kid and her personality?

It is the age/a phase?

All of them?

A combination of these?

I remember once telling another mom whose daughter is close in age to mine, that my kid had started with the tantrums right before turning 2. 

I told her I was at a loss because the meltdowns were so intense with my daughter banging her head against things in her anger.

The other mommy was shocked. Her daughter did no such things.

"You can't let her do that.", she said. "Tell her it's not nice. It's not allowed". 

It was not good advice, of course. 

But many of these books written by so-called experts contain advice that is either generally bad or bad for your situation. 

I don't read stuff like this anymore.

I scoff when people on facebook without kids argue about how bad parenting makes kids defiant when all they need is a bit more love, a bit more understanding. How parents just need to talk about feelings or man-up and be more severe.

When it comes to parenting, everyone seems to be an expert.

Everybody has theories and methods and ideas. 

And the easiest thing to do in this world is to label someone as a "bad parent" because they give time-outs.

Or because they don't give time-outs, depending which camp you are in. 

Sometimes nothing works. And that's what you can't read anywhere.

You can turn yourself into a puppy joggling psychologist in a princess costume and your kid still won't listen or throw a fit.  

On bad days I tell myself this. 

Today, it's just not working. 

And that's fine. 

I tell myself this before the urge to feel guilty sets in.

Or the urge to read another parenting book.